Embracing the bittersweet journey of healing after loss
It has been almost a year since I posted this blog. I have been busy, and a lot of things happened in this past year. Last time I blogged, I didn’t have much to say, I just shared a poem about being carried through the tough times. I had a lot going on in my head and was speechless and trying to adapt. I did receive my prosthetic after a big struggle trying to get Medi-Care to approve it. The insurance doesn’t want to buy something costly that may not be used, and because I am not ambulatory, they didn’t see any reason why I needed it. (For those who don’t know, my spinal cord injury is a T12-L1 incomplete injury which means my spinal cord wasn’t completely severed, it was only damaged by the shattered bones that were spread throughout my spine when my back was broke. Because of this damage, I feel all the way down to my knees and have some strong movement in my legs, but not enough to stand and walk. About a year after the accident I did outpatient physical therapy to learn to use full leg braces to do gait training, but it was very difficult and I would fall straight back when losing my balance.) But, my wonderful doctor wanted me to have it for standing and exercising on my stationary bike. He and I felt it was important for me to do these activities to stay healthy. So he made it happen and I am very happy with it. I don’t wear it all the time because it hurts and I only use it for standing, exercising and wear it when I go to town in pants or a dress that isn’t a maxi length dress or skirt. 😉 I don’t like for people to see that I am missing my left leg, I am not comfortable with this except with my close friends and family. The hard part is when I go swimming at the Gym and I wear a bathing suit and it is it is obvious, ugh, vanity sucks. I have been told that it isn’t really that noticeable, I guess you can say I can “rock” the amputation 😉
Around April of last year, I was losing hope that I would be able to go back to work. I was not able to live on $1050 a month, which is my SSDI and I was in a lot of pain and trying to get out the door and loaded up into my van would take me forever. I got depressed and felt like I needed to look for low income- based housing. I had decided to head to Boise Idaho to explore and see if it is the place for me to move to and look at some apartments and my son James lives up there. I did travel to Boise Idaho with Elijah to look at some low income-based apartments, and to get a feel for the city. I loved it in Boise and was impressed on how nice and clean it is and it has a lot of outdoor activities and parks and bike trails and great eating establishments, but the apartments were dreary and depressing, I just couldn’t see myself living like that. I wasn’t feeling good about it as I looked at them and thought of city life. And my heart was wanting to go back home to Trinidad, my community, family, my kitties, the redwoods and the ocean. But I did put applications in on the wait lists and was told it could take a few years to get into the apartments. So that door is still open, maybe when I am too old to live on my own I can move there.
When I got home, I received notice from the Humboldt County Planning Department letting me know that my application for the Owner-Occupied Rehabilitation Assistance Program came up to the top of the wait list for the remodeling for ADA kitchen and other repairs that need to be done to my home. I had been on the wait list for about 6 years, and was excited to finally have this done to my home! The contractor estimated that it would take about 3 weeks, but it took 5 weeks for all the work to be done. We had a few bad storms come and the power was out for a week and the winds and rain were intense, but it was well worth the wait, because my home is so nice and comfortable and the kitchen is perfect for me to get around in and cook and bake which I love to do every day. They did ADA alterations to my home that I didn’t realize were needed and would make my life so much easier! I was used to struggling and having it be difficult. I don’t even want to leave my home anymore. I will post a few pictures at the end.
I am enrolled in online classes at College of the Redwoods to work towards a degree in Communications. I started back to college last semester. I do get financial aid which is helping me with my budget. The California Department of Rehabilitation is helping me with supplies for school. I have been able to pick up little jobs that I can do from home, so this has been sustainable for me. I really do not think I will be able to go back into the work force anymore because of the intense pain and things taking me much longer to do. I do not know what the future holds for me but I do know that I am at peace and happier than I have been in a long time. I love my home and community and living amongst the redwoods and ocean beings me joy and that is a good place to be.
But, I do have a favor to ask of those who would like to help, I had to create a GoFundMe to raise money for work that needs to be done to my van. If you can give or share the link to other people and social media that would be nice. My van doors and ramp are broken and needs new parts to get them working again. My brakes are bad and need new rotors and my front end needs some tie rods work. I am not able to come up with the money for these repairs, and I do need my van. It is so important to be able to go into town now and then and be able to get in and out of it. I have sat in my van trapped for up to 30 minutes trying to get the door to open and the ramp to go down. This isn’t good or safe. If I had to get out of the van in an emergency, I wouldn’t be able to. When I do get stuck, I have had to ask strangers to come over to my van and open the door from the outside so that the ramp can come out, and that isn’t fun, some people look at me funny when I ask…lol, some do help though, at least most of them…some just ignore me and walk away. They don’t know what it is it I am asking of them so they get confused and walk away… I am sure it looks sketchy from their perspective some lady asking them to come to the side door and open it up for her…looks like I am setting them up for a kidnapping or something. Lol I have others who want to help with the funding and I am ok with that. People want to help and ask all the time if I need anything. I am not ashamed anymore, this is what community is all about.
Well, it has been an exciting year, and I get exhausted just thinking about it. The month of remodeling was a bit hard on me because I couldn’t be in my home for 5 weeks and so I stayed across the street with Elijah my son on some days and in Sacramento for a week at cheap motels and visited with my sister and then my friend Joyce had free rooms at the Blue Lake Casino Motel that she gave to me which was super nice. Blue Lake Casino Motels rooms are very accessible and nice. I was basically living out of my van out of back packs, but it was well worth it because of my new remodeled home. The guys who did the work were awesome and became good friends, Victor, the contractor bought me a new refrigerator for Christmas to match the rest of the kitchen appliances and it is more accessible. The guys worked real hard to make sure everything in my home was made accessible for me and perfect. In fact, they are still here on property redoing my friend Jaimes home, she came up on the wait list right after me! So I still get to see them for another 3 months or more! I think I will make them a Lasagna for lunch someday. 😊They deserve it.
I do have not so good news, the pain in my amputation is horrible and cannot be fixed, I went to see the doctor at UC Davis for follow up and I was told that there was some nerve damage from the surgery, I still have the back injury nerve pain from the gas explosion and so I am not feeling like myself. I am still weak from the infection that took my leg and haven’t been able to recover from it. So I am not as active as I was before, my body has suffered from a lot of trauma and so I need to rest more and take it easy. Basically, it is a full time job just maintaining the pain and doing everyday tasks and I am a tiny bit older now…😉
Alright, I am going to end this blog and attach my GoFundMe link…it is easy to pass on if you desire to do so, just click on it and copy and then paste.
Blessings to all, and thank you for listening to me and for being my friend.
See you next time!
April - Wheeling Woman
Here is the “GoFundMe” link:
PS My sister Kimmy came up from Martinez and helped me get all my stuff back in order and I woke up one morning and the house was all decorated for Christmas 2 days before. We didn't get a tree because we were still unpacking and it was such a big job!
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